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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27469726">Excuses</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodsigilsandpie/pseuds/bloodsigilsandpie'>bloodsigilsandpie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Coda, Episode: s15e14 Last Holiday, Gen, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Suptober 2020 (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:49:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>389</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27469726</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodsigilsandpie/pseuds/bloodsigilsandpie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel wanted to be there. But was afraid of what would happen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Excuses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Suptober2020 Day 21: Fear</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cas wanted to be there. He wanted to be there so bad. But he couldn’t. He was afraid of what would happen if he went. So he made excuses.</p><p>Dean had called him once, and sometimes even twice, every day since he left to look for Amara. The past few days the conversation has more or less went the same way.</p><p>Someone named Mrs. Butters was doing something and Dean wanted Cas there.</p><p>
  <em>Come on, Cas, you’ve been gone long enough. Don’t you wanna do thanksgiving with us? We’re doing Christmas, you can’t miss that. But it’s Halloween! You’ve never had a proper Fourth of July. Cas, you can’t just miss Sam’s birthday!</em>
</p><p>Oh, how he wanted to be with them… he could imagine the smiles on their faces, the sound of their laughter. But he couldn’t go. And he couldn’t tell why. So out came excuses after excuses.</p><p><em>I can’t Dean.</em> He said, over and over every time he called. <em>I think I found a lead. An angel agreed to meet up, I think she knows something. I’m too far away I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. I’m in the middle of something go on without me.</em></p><p>Then, Dean called one day and said, “Hey, Cas, so I thought I would bake a cake or something and give Jack a little birthday treat. You’ll be here for that, right?”</p><p>There was hope and a bit of excitement in Dean’s voice. Cas really wanted to go. To be home with all of them. He thought of Jack’s face lighting up at the cake Dean would, no doubt, put in extra effort to bake but not admit it and the small smile Sam would have seeing them so happy in a long time.</p><p>“No, Dean. I’m too far away and in too deep with this lead to leave now. You can do it without me.” He said, past the lump in his throat.</p><p>“Come on, Cas. How can we celebrate Jack’s first proper birthday without you? He wants you here. I want you here. We all want you here, Cas.”</p><p>“Sorry, Dean, I can’t.”</p><p>
  <em>Because I’m afraid if I see you, my family, be together and happy, I might let myself be happy too. And right now I can’t afford that. So I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.</em>
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